This hasn't happened in awhile......

You know that sick feeling, the one that's just constantly in the pit of your stomach, where after a few days you just get used to not being hungry? It found me. So did the one of tearing up every time my mind wanders a certain direction.

Weddings, weddings, weddings. It's good to know some people are happy. Really though, it is. Meanwhile...

My life hasn't been this screwed up since... well, March? The blame is no one's but my own, and whatever decision I make I will live with without complaining. Of course, I didn't fully know what I was getting myself into, how could I? If I had known that it would cause this much doubt, fear and utter hopelessness would I have still done it all again? While all of my high school friends are getting married or very close to it, here I am agonizing over what I want, need, over what He wants, needs from me...

Increasingly I'm realizing that life isn't fair, not one bit. You can say oh, everyone has their problems... but when it comes down to it, some problems are just a heck of a lot simpler than others. It seems I'm one of the unlucky ones who got handed derivatives on my third grade math test when everyone else is multiplying and dividing. There is a silver lining though, however dim it may be... these situations do tend to weed friends out. There's an area of my life where there isn't much doubt anymore.

Men. Women. Christ, the Church. Peace, ah peace. Love, respect. Respect, love. Doing something right. Knowing what you want. Wanting what you know. Finding yourself. Being yourself so you can find yourself. Not selfish, but not living to please others. Being agreeable, but not trampled over. Finding a balance. Finding Him. Discovering your purpose, your talents, your loves. Trying not to hurt the one you love most. Wondering why, and how and when...

i am addicted to the office.
i love jim.
i wish he was real.


soo.. tomorrow school starts up again. ahh.. blah. it will be cool hanging out with odu people again. i'm not looking forward to the commute, or to sitting through long, boring classes, or trying to figure out my chemistry homework. or early mornings. ugh, i hate mornings. especially coming from break, where i've stayed up 'till about three every night, and slept 'till at least noon.. and then taken a nap..


i'm just complaining.
i'm not depressed.
: )


more like.. listless.


ah well.